Confessions of a Madman

Posted by in Spiritual/Emotional


I believe that certain things are intentionally put in our path to help guide us in our lives. This is how I found Dan Miller’s book 48 Days to The Work You Love which changed my life. I believe I am at the beginning of another one of these changes.

Lets start back when I found Dan Miller’s book. At that time I was consuming a ton of information which taught me motivation, success, leadership, find work I love, figuring out who I am, and general personal development. While digging into these subjects I wanted to copy some of the things these teachers were doing. For instance I wanted to become some sort of coach teaching the world everything I had learned. I tried different types of coaching but nothing really stuck long term.

In retrospect, I have come to realize that in most of those cases I was just repeating what I learned. It was all great information and I still consume that media. I also believe this is part of the development process to act as a parrot repeating what you learned.

I stepped away from coaching and trying to make money online while I reflected on myself. This has taken about two years but I am beginning to see the fruits of my reflection.

In the beginning of my reflection, I began asking what I had been chasing and what was more important. For instance, I dug into what makes me happy but before that I was chasing starting my own business. I believe that we are put on this earth to enjoy life, therefore I should not chase self employment and focus on what brings joy to my life. This does not mean I should not work for myself, but it is one possible option to enjoying life. I also believe it is possible to enjoy life while working for someone else.

Also in reflection I have started to really listen to what I want. Paying close attention to what I am feeling in each situation and taking time to be alone and think. If I find something which gives me negative feelings I figure out how to remove it from my life no matter what it is. For instance, I have been getting bored at work so I have begun to troubleshoot the cause and how to fix it. This will require me to change what my job is and how I do it while still achieving the goals my company has requested of me.

Lately I have felt there is something just out of my grasp which is the key to what I should be doing in life. Have you ever thought you saw something in your peripheral vision but when you turned to look at it it was gone? That is how I feel right now. I am so excited because the thing I have been looking for is so close and I am on the verge of realizing what it is.

I also believe this is all part of my growth process and before I can make a consistent income while I enjoy my work I need to know what I am put on this earth to create. This falls directly in-line with what entrepreneurs say when they make a statement about enjoying the work and the income will eventually follow.

Three things have been put in my path over the last several months which have helped to bring me closer to what I should be doing. The first is Joe Rogan’s podcast. More specifically, he is a comedian and talks about the effort he puts into writing and creating his art which is making people laugh. It has helped me to realize the work that should go into creating something. Also, he has a lot of beliefs which are totally perpendicular to mine which are scary to listen to because it challenges the way I think

Side Note: I believe we have to be willing to listen ideas that challenge our belief system so it can change and grow and so if you don’t agree you will strengthen your beliefs. Don’t be afraid.

The last two items which have changed my life are a couple of articles from Julian Smith which I recommend you read (be warned, there is profanity)

The Short and Sweet Guide to Being F$%king Awesome The Complete Guide to Not Giving a F$%k

  1. I am starting to share ideas that come from my own mind (i.e. my voice) instead of parroting someone else’s ideas. Though, my thoughts may be influenced a bit they are still my thoughts.
  2. I have something driving me to create my art. Right now it is through the medium of writing. For instance this post is just flowing from my mind with little effort but I must get it on paper quickly before the muse leaves me this morning. Every day I have something in me pushing me to create. When I do I am so happy and relaxed the rest of the day.
  3. I need to stop following rules that hinder me being me while I am creating. For instance, I sometimes like to write long blog posts and sometimes I like to write short ones. Also, I think editing is a giant roadblock to my writing because I hate it. Therefore, I am going to edit a little less. It may negatively effect my writing a bit but it will allow me to create more of my art.
  4. Sometimes I need to force myself to produce my art to ensure I practice and grow in it. I know that I will not automatically be good at it and I need to hone it.

In the same train of thought of following “supposed” rules, I feel I have been holding myself back through the blog/internet medium. I have done this because I am afraid of offending the people who I have built relationships with over the last few years. I still need to work to get over this emotionally, though, logically I understand I am wearing a kind of mask on the internet and if I push people away by being me then that is okay because those are not the people who I need to appeal to.

Here are some of my confessions (Lifting the mask a bit)

  1. I cuss sometimes
  2. I sometimes tell dirty jokes
  3. I can sometimes be vulgar
  4. I love telling stories and sometimes they are inappropriate
  5. I hate editing my writing and I want to stop (but I won’t)
  6. I can sometimes be a jerk
  7. I really would like to have tattoos on my forearms and hands
  8. I am judgmental
  9. I hate putting blogs out on a certain day of the week. I just want to put it out when I feel like it.
  10. There are probably a lot more that I have not thought of.
  11. I want a Mohawk
  12. I am an attention whore

Though I have been wearing a an internet mask, everything I have produced before is still what I believe so don’t think I have been lying in everything I have produced over the last few years. Also, I am aware of the people I interact with and am very careful not to offend them (unless I am intentionally trying to put myself out there). I feel that in some cases I will always need to wear a mask. For instance, if I want to keep my job I have to watch my language and be careful not to post anything on the internet which will give them grounds to get rid of me.

I sometimes just want to be me in creating so I have created a blog elsewhere which allows me to write what I want, how I want, and not worry about offending others including my current readers and potential future followers. Maybe one day I will merge the two blogs, but not yet. If you are interested in reading the other blog then send me a note and I will show you where it is.

So my questions to you: What mask are you wearing? Is it hindering your art? Are you creating from your own mind or are you parroting other people?